Can fear be used as a motivator? Absolutely! I recently read that parents use fear tactics as 'positive' motivators to teach their kids to respect them.They don't see what instilling fear is actually doing to their kids.I understood their confidence in the statement, but I greatly challenge this idealistic perspective of how we use fear.Using a negative with kids to try and obtain a positive result seems counterproductive.I'm not saying these things in judgment of anyone who uses fear tactics; I used them myself when my kids were young just as it was done to me and to my parents by their parents, so how can I judge anyone else? I am merely pointing out that it is not the highest or best choice for your kids and it will no doubt do more harm than good.Here are a few minor examples of how we use fear."If you don't get that bedroom cleaned I'm going to.".To what? What are the next words you'll use to project in to the air? Are your words going to be uplifting or creating fear? Would you like to teach them in a loving way to respect you by giving them a choice instead of providing a threat? Example..Choice A. The bedroom gets cleaned and you get to go over to your girlfriend's house.Choice B. You don't clean it up and you stay home and work on it again tomorrow.This is NOT difficult, it just takes practice and follow through."You get over here right now or you'll get into serious trouble!".What does the word 'trouble' mean to your kids? Is it a beating, a scolding, put in prison? Example of Choice..Choice A. Please come over here and talk to me for 10 minutes to help me understand and you can use the car if I feel it's appropriate.Choice B. If you choose not to talk with me then you'll stay home anyway and we'll try to talk again tomorrow when we both calm down.And who hasn't heard this one; "Just wait until your father gets home!".Ummm.Okay.So what happens when he does arrive? A sword fight? A knock down drag out? If not, then why use this threat?Is it right to instill fear into our kids about their father? How does Dad feel about the fact that he is used as a scapegoat when you can't get the children to obey? Have you ever asked him?It takes time to re-learn; to give choices, to create a loving environment, to have joy in your home, but you CAN do it.By giving choices you will teach your kids what it takes to live like a well-adjusted contributing adult who has to make choices every single day.I don't want to use fear as a motivator in this article; but if more parents understood how to eliminate fear from their own mind then perhaps we could stop the increasing prevalence of teens who commit suicide because of a detrimentally low self esteem.I have raised a village of teens over the past 20+ years; I've work with parents as a life coach, and I work with teens who try to understand their parent's basic fear tactics.Do you know why they can't understand? We were not given a spirit of fear as a gift to be passed on from generation to generation.We were given a spirit of love but we let fear outweigh it.Our kids need love and that has to begin at home.Fear is not a loving motivator.Helpful Suggestions > Your Choice.1.Acknowledge your own fears first.2.Choose not to allow fear to crush your sense of courage; your ability to believe you can make mistakes and still come out on top; that you are someone who can create love even if it wasn't exampled to you; that you can seek better ways through prayer, learning from others, reading, watching conscious parenting videos, etc.3.Choose love as your proactive yard stick.Measure yourself by asking your son/daughter on a scale from 1 to 10 (ten being most loved) how much do they feel loved by you today.Ask frequently so you can measure your own progress on a monthly basis or weekly basis.Learn to be someone they can trust.If I can learn to do it, so can you.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Parenting Teens - How Do You Use Fear As a Motivator For Your Kids?
Can fear be used as a motivator? Absolutely! I recently read that parents use fear tactics as 'positive' motivators to teach their kids to respect them.They don't see what instilling fear is actually doing to their kids.I understood their confidence in the statement, but I greatly challenge this idealistic perspective of how we use fear.Using a negative with kids to try and obtain a positive result seems counterproductive.I'm not saying these things in judgment of anyone who uses fear tactics; I used them myself when my kids were young just as it was done to me and to my parents by their parents, so how can I judge anyone else? I am merely pointing out that it is not the highest or best choice for your kids and it will no doubt do more harm than good.Here are a few minor examples of how we use fear."If you don't get that bedroom cleaned I'm going to.".To what? What are the next words you'll use to project in to the air? Are your words going to be uplifting or creating fear? Would you like to teach them in a loving way to respect you by giving them a choice instead of providing a threat? Example..Choice A. The bedroom gets cleaned and you get to go over to your girlfriend's house.Choice B. You don't clean it up and you stay home and work on it again tomorrow.This is NOT difficult, it just takes practice and follow through."You get over here right now or you'll get into serious trouble!".What does the word 'trouble' mean to your kids? Is it a beating, a scolding, put in prison? Example of Choice..Choice A. Please come over here and talk to me for 10 minutes to help me understand and you can use the car if I feel it's appropriate.Choice B. If you choose not to talk with me then you'll stay home anyway and we'll try to talk again tomorrow when we both calm down.And who hasn't heard this one; "Just wait until your father gets home!".Ummm.Okay.So what happens when he does arrive? A sword fight? A knock down drag out? If not, then why use this threat?Is it right to instill fear into our kids about their father? How does Dad feel about the fact that he is used as a scapegoat when you can't get the children to obey? Have you ever asked him?It takes time to re-learn; to give choices, to create a loving environment, to have joy in your home, but you CAN do it.By giving choices you will teach your kids what it takes to live like a well-adjusted contributing adult who has to make choices every single day.I don't want to use fear as a motivator in this article; but if more parents understood how to eliminate fear from their own mind then perhaps we could stop the increasing prevalence of teens who commit suicide because of a detrimentally low self esteem.I have raised a village of teens over the past 20+ years; I've work with parents as a life coach, and I work with teens who try to understand their parent's basic fear tactics.Do you know why they can't understand? We were not given a spirit of fear as a gift to be passed on from generation to generation.We were given a spirit of love but we let fear outweigh it.Our kids need love and that has to begin at home.Fear is not a loving motivator.Helpful Suggestions > Your Choice.1.Acknowledge your own fears first.2.Choose not to allow fear to crush your sense of courage; your ability to believe you can make mistakes and still come out on top; that you are someone who can create love even if it wasn't exampled to you; that you can seek better ways through prayer, learning from others, reading, watching conscious parenting videos, etc.3.Choose love as your proactive yard stick.Measure yourself by asking your son/daughter on a scale from 1 to 10 (ten being most loved) how much do they feel loved by you today.Ask frequently so you can measure your own progress on a monthly basis or weekly basis.Learn to be someone they can trust.If I can learn to do it, so can you.
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